Near my sister Still in
2 not sure yet.
Where to live
What holds you here first. Then your limits, then the places, then a visit.
Try it
Start with what you would leave and what you will not give up. The answers below are one family’s example.
1 What holds you here
Tick what ties you to where you live now. Then say how close each one has to stay.
- Always a hard limit
4 ties. 2 set a hard limit.
2 Hard limits and must-haves
A hard limit is a no. A place that breaks one is out, however good it looks. A must-have is something you would give up only with real pain. Keep both lists short.
Hard limits your ties set
- Within a day’s drive of the people I see every week
- Within an hour of the parent I care for
3 The short list
Name up to three places. Mark each line Yes, No or Not sure. A place stays in until it breaks a limit, and what you do not know yet becomes the next thing to find out.
The job offer Out
Breaks a hard limit: Within an hour of the parent I care for.
Where we vacation Still in
3 not sure yet.
4 The visit
Every “Not sure” about a place that is still in is a question to answer there.
Near my sister
- Housing under $1,800 a month?
- A church we would join?
Where we vacation
- Within an hour of the parent I care for?
- Housing under $1,800 a month?
- A church we would join?
On every visit
- Before you go, write down what an ordinary Tuesday there will be like. Compare it when you get back.
- Go on a working day, not a holiday weekend.
- Go in the worst month if you can. If you cannot, ask someone who lives there what that month is like.
- Drive to work, school and church at the hour you would really go.
- Ask two people who live there what surprised them.
- Get a written insurance quote for one real address, and look that address up on the FEMA flood map.
- Price a week of groceries and a month of housing.
2 of 3 places still in
Visit before you choose.
5 things to find out on a visit.
- Near my sister still in, 2 not sure
- The job offer out
- Where we vacation still in, 3 not sure
What just happened
You set the limits before you looked
In a 1998 study of 1,993 students in the Midwest and Southern California, people in the two regions were equally satisfied with their lives. Both groups still expected someone like themselves to be more satisfied living in California (Schkade and Kahneman). People gave the weather more weight when they judged a place they did not live in. Writing your limits down first puts the other lines in front of you too.
Limits before any adding up
Here a place that breaks one of your limits is out before anything is added up, so a good score on other lines cannot buy it back. Weigh the places still in afterwards.
Ask the people who live there
In a 2009 experiment, people predicted how much they would enjoy an experience more accurately from another person’s report of how it went for them than from a description of the experience itself. Yet people believed the description would help more (Gilbert and colleagues).
Happiness before and after a move
A British survey asked the same households about their lives in 12 yearly rounds from 1996 to 2008. Before a move, people who moved grew less happy. The move brought them back to where they had been, and the gain did not build after it (Nowok and colleagues, 2011). A move often follows a hard stretch. Ask yourself whether you are going toward something or getting away from something.
Living near family
In a 2021 survey of 9,676 American adults, 55% lived within an hour of at least some extended family, and three in four said living near family mattered to them at least somewhat (Pew Research Center). A review of 148 studies found a 50% greater likelihood of survival for people with stronger social relationships (Holt-Lunstad and colleagues, 2010).
Some people come back
Among Americans born in 1981 or later who left the area where they started adult life for at least a year, about 28 in 100 had moved back by the middle of 2024 (Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland). Before you go, price the way back: the lease, the deposit, the job, the school year.
When it is not your choice alone
In many families where you live is decided together, and some duties travel with you. These questions belong before the short list.
- Who has a say? A partner, parents, in-laws, elders. Ask each of them the same questions. Do not guess their answers from where they come from.
- What does each of you give up? If one of you moves for the other’s work, name what the other leaves behind, and both say yes out loud.
- Is there a home place you are expected to return to? For family rites, a burial, festivals or land. Ask how long you may be away.
- Does anyone depend on money you send? Put that line in the budget before you compare what places cost.
- Does a visa, a permit or an employer decide where you may live? Ask what happens if that job or that sponsor ends.
- Can you worship, eat and keep your customs there? Ask someone who already does.
Where you’ll meet this
- A job offer in another city.
- A parent who needs more help.
- A lease that ends as the rent goes up.
- Retiring, and the question of where.
- A spouse’s transfer, or military orders.
- A church sending families to start another.
- A home on wheels: the same walk, with a rig.
What Scripture says
Lot lifted up his eyes, and saw all the plain of the Jordan, that it was well-watered everywhere, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as you go to Zoar. So Lot chose the Plain of the Jordan for himself. Lot traveled east, and they separated themselves the one from the other.
Genesis 13:10-11In context. Abram let his nephew Lot choose land first, and Lot chose the plain that looked best. The narrator adds what the view could not show: the cities there were wicked and would be destroyed (verses 10 and 13).
“Build houses and dwell in them. Plant gardens and eat their fruit. Take wives and father sons and daughters. Take wives for your sons, and give your daughters to husbands, that they may bear sons and daughters. Multiply there, and don’t be diminished. Seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the LORD for it; for in its peace you will have peace.”
Jeremiah 29:5-7In context. The prophet Jeremiah’s letter to Israelites taken captive to Babylon: settle down, build, plant, and seek the good of a city they did not choose. It was for exiles waiting on God’s timing. This site applies it by analogy to putting down roots.
Don’t forsake your friend and your father’s friend. Don’t go to your brother’s house in the day of your disaster: better is a neighbor who is near than a distant brother.
Proverbs 27:10In context. A proverb about friendship: keep your old family friends, and in trouble a neighbor close by can help more than a brother far away.
The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. Yes, I have a good inheritance.
Psalm 16:6In context. David’s song of trust: the LORD assigned his portion and made his lot secure (verse 5), so the measuring lines that mark out his share have fallen in good places. This site borrows the picture of boundary lines for the limits you set.
Watch
Other people’s videos, picked from their titles and descriptions for what they teach. How each channel earns is said under it.
Use it on your choice
Take the places still in to the balance, with the “Move to a new place?” list ready. Or walk the whole choice through nine steps and leave with a card you keep.